The Adventures of SKoHUPPY aka Jacob! CRACK FIC!
by XxPrincess of phobiasxX
Summary: WARNING: This story may contain: hyperness,things that are NOT going to happen in the real books, extreme Out of Characterness, randomness, spasticity and a crazy author. You may, as a result of this, end up laughing so hard its just not funny anymore.
1. The Super Secret and the Dance off!

Jacob walked through the shops, there was a strange voice coming from somewhere.

Strange voice: Jacob, I like pie.

Jacob: Who are you?

Strange Voice: I am … (bom, bom, bom, suspicionful music!!) Bob

Jacob: How come you sound so close, Bob? Where are you?

Bob: Right in front of you, idiot

Jacob looked in front of him, there was a guy about his age and height and stuff… except hotter. He thought it was Bob. Bob waved. Jacob heard his voice in his head but Bob's mouth didn't move.

Bob: I know your secret, your super secret

Jacob: Huh? I don't have a secret

Bob: Your special secret, your secret-ish secret

Jacob: What the hell are you on about?!?!

Bob: Duh, isn't obvious. I'm talking about your secret

Jacob: Well, then what is this so-called special secret?

Bob: The secret is… (bom bom bom more suspicionful music)

Jacob: Hurry up! Just spit it out already!

Bob: … the secret is… ya mum  
Jacob: You just wasted 2 minutes of my time, to tell me _my mum_!!!!

Bob: No I just wasted exactly 2 minutes, 31 seconds, 25. 879 milliseconds of your time

Jacob: Why I oughta…

Bob: Look it's um…err…the word 'gullible' in the sky

Jacob turned around and looked to where Bob was pointing "Huh, where?" But Bob had already gone. "NO!!! Bob don't leave me I miss your total hotness!! Come back!!!" Bob was nowhere to be seen but somehow he could still here his voice

Bob: I will come back… on one condition (oooh)

Jacob: What condition?

Bob: The condition is if you can beat Emmet in a dance-off

Jacob: Emmet in a dance-off?! Right, I think I'll pass

Bob: Then you'll never see me again

Jacob: Ok fine

_Outside the Cullen's house:_

*Knock, Knock*

Carlisle answered "Hello Jacob, did you know that porcupines float on water?"

Jacob: Umm…no

Carlisle: Oh well, come inside anyway

Jacob took a step inside. All the Cullens beside Emmet and Esme were crowded in front of the TV.

Jacob: Um…I'd like to see Emmet

Rosalie: What d'ya want from him, _Fido_

Jacob: Err…I was going to challenge him to a dance-off

All of them started laughing then stopped again.

Edward: Oh, you were actually serious about that. Emmet!! Come over here!!

Emmet came from the direction of the kitchen

Emmet: Yeah, what did you wa- oh hi Jacob what are you doing here

Jacob: I um… came to challenge you in a dance-off

Emmet: Wait, you came over here to challenge _the_ awesome Emmet to a dance-off?!

Jacob: Yeah, I guess I did

Emmet: Bring it on!

Ok, seriously neither of them had any dance skills, at all. Not even the tiniest bit. But heres how it went down anyway.

Bella: Ok first Emmet!

Emmet played around with the CDs until he got the right one. He turned it on. YOU!!!

Bella whispered to Edward: You seriously think that Emmet can do the Soulja Boy Dance.

Edward whispered back: Pfff! Not a chance!

Well Emmet did the Soulja Boy Dance pretty well considering his dance skills. Oh sure he stumbled heaps of times, but hey pretty good for someone like Emmet.

Bella: Ok now Jacobs turn!

Jacob knew next to nothing about dancing, he didn't even know that there was a Soulja Boy Dance. Well he just turned the CD player onto any random song. That random song happened to be Low by Flo Rida. Since Jacob didn't really know any dances, so he went with the ones he learnt at primary school. Those dances happened to be the Chicken Dance and the Macarena. Unfortunately for him the Chicken Dance and the Macarena don't really work well with Low. Hey! Atleast he didn't stumble. In the end the rest of the Cullens decided who did a better dance. All except one (Rosalie) voted Jacob. Jacob thought, _thank god! The primary school teachers taught me those dances! Now I get to see Bob again!_

.


	2. The Return of Bob

Jacob drove down the dirt road though the forest. He wasn't really paying attention to anything whatsoever. The only thing that came into his mind was… Bob. It had been about a day since he had beaten Emmet in the dance-off, he had suffered enough. He wanted Bob back now. Oh, how he missed him: from his perfect face like carved wood, to his mouth that didn't move when he talked, to his eyes that reminded him of cheese… yummy. _Suddenly_… something ran onto the road in front of Jacob's car… something very _hott_…

Jacob (raising his eyebrow): Bob?!?! Is it that really you???

Bob (in his very hot way of talking without his mouth opening): Yes it is I. We must rejoice for I have returned.

Jacob: Rejoice???

Bob: Yes – rejoice

Jacob: Huh? Whatever

Suddenly a llama with a man in a panda suit riding on it, came hopping over to stand next to Bob.

Man in panda suit: Noooooo! Thou shalt rejoice!

Jacob: Ok… slightly weird. *waves hands randomly* Look, I'm rejoicing, happy now? *rolls eyes*

Bob: Yes very pleased

Jacob: Good. You won't ditch me this time will ya?

Bob: On one condition

Jacob: More conditions – just great. *slaps forehead* What is it this time?

Bob (in authoritive voice): Random man in panda suit

Man in panda suit: The condition is that thee shalt change his name to… *drum roll*

Jacob (whispering): Oh great…

Man in panda suit: The Supreme King of Happy Unicorn Potato Pies… _Yak_

Everyone: _Le gasp!!!_

Jacob: You're kidding, right

Bob: Nope

Jacob: No way

Bob (starting to flicker and fade): I'll disappear…

Jacob: Fine… I am now The Supreme King of Happy Unicorn Potato Pies _Yak_… seriously why do I even bother with this?

Bob: Because we both share the same hate for… Edward Cullen. So why do you hate him?

SKoHUPP_Y_ (short for Supreme King of Happy Unicorn Potato Pies _Yak_): Once upon a time… there was a beautiful girl called Bella…insert Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn from Jacob's point of view here

Bob: And I thought my reason was bad…

SKoHUPP_Y_: What's your reason?

Bob: Because he stole my… chocolate

Everyone: _Le gasp!!!_

Random man in panda suit(singing to the tune of the llama song, u can try it, it works):

_Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen._

_Everyone hates Edward Cullen_

_Bob hates Edward_

_Jake(sorry SKoHUPPY just doesn't fit there) hates Edward_

_Edward. Edward. Duck?_

_Bob was once a hot guy,_

_He lived in a cake,_

_But Edward stole his chocolate,_

_Then he ran away_

_Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen._

_Everyone hates Edward Cullen_

_Bob hates Edward_

_Jake hates Edward_

_Edward. Edward. Duck?_

_Jake was once a were-wolf,_

_He liked some girl,_

_But to that random girl, _

_Edward was the world,_

_Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen._

_Everyone hates Edward Cullen_

_Bob hates Edward_

_Jake(sorry SKoHUPPY just doesn't fit there) hates Edward_

_Edward. Edward. Duck?_

**Like the song? Ok well, I skipped half of both verses but its kinda hard to fit it in, u know**


	3. The semi genious Plan

**OK, sorry guys haven't posted for AGES but assignments attacked me and locked me in the closet. Ok this is just really random but thats what its supposed to be so enjoy!**

SKoHUPP_Y_ ran through the forest towards the Cullen's house in his Care Bear pyjamas. Using his strong arms he climbed up to Bella's room and entered through the window. Tiptoeing he placed the letter on the outside of her bedroom door. It was all part of the semi-genius Plan (with a capital P). They had invited Alice to a party, knowing she wouldn't be able to resist coming and she would drag Bella along as well. When Edward notices she is gone he would see the letter and come to the clearing in the forest.

Tomorrow at the clearing in the forest:

Edward: Bella?! Bella?! Where are you?!

SKoHUPP_Y_(making a very shabby impersonation of Bella's voice): Eddy, I'm here

Edward: Since when do you call me Eddy?

SKoHUPP_Y_: Bella doesn't? I mean I don't?

Edward: Jake, I know it's you

SKoHUPP_Y_: But it isn't Jacob

Edward: What do you mean it's not Jacob? I can see you right there, you're Jacob.

SKoHUPP_Y_: How do you know err… Jacob doesn't have an evil twin, huh?

Edward: Because he doesn't.

SKoHUPP_Y_: Yeah, you're right, but it still isn't Jacob. What was once Jacob is now the Supreme King of Happy Unicorn Potato Pies…_Yak_.

Edward: Whatever. What did you do to Bella?

Bob (appearing from behind the trees): I ate her.

Edward tensed up and clenched his fists.

Bob: Only joking! We dragged her off to a party via Alice. But now that you're here… Random llama riding man, Supreme King of Happy Unicorns Potato Pies… _Yak_, _finish him._

SKoHUPP_Y_ phased and the random man in a panda suit popped up from behind a bush wielding a banana. They were mid-charge when the random man riding on a llama froze. SKoHUPP_Y_ ran over to him and phased back.

SKoHUPP_Y_: Random man in panda suit? Are you ok?

Man in panda suit (in a trance): Shall I compare thee to a summer's day…

SKoHUPP_Y_: Huh? *waves hand in front of the llama riding mans face*

Man in panda suit (still in trance): Thou art more beautiful and temperate…

Bob: What are you doing?! You're supposed to be attacking him

Man in panda suit: Why should I attack the most beautiful face that thy has ever seen. Beauty that has only ever been dreamed of… how does thee do it

Edward: I don't know… _Maybe it's Maybelline _(oooh)

Man in panda suit: *going down one knee, while riding a llama going down on one knee* Marry me, Edward.

Everyone else: _Le gasp!!_

Edward: *backing away from the advancing random man in panda suit* Errr… no thanks… you see I already have a wife…

Man in panda suit: …but you don't have a husband *raises eyebrows*

Edward: *still backing away* No and I don't want one-

Man in panda suit: But I have declared my everlasting love for you, you can not refuse me now

Edward screamed like a girl and then started running away with the llama-riding man in a panda suit chasing after him and talking about how much he loved him.

Bob: Great, Edward got away and he took one of my followers with him…

SKoHUPPY: Well, one good thing came out of today

Bob: What?

SKoHUPPY: Now we know the secret to his good looks – he wears make-up!!!

As they walked off into the sunset laughing.

**Yep. Walking off into the sunset scenes. By the way Maybelline is a brand of make-up, you might off seen their ads - maybe its maybelline...**


End file.
